


HPMOR Crack: A Questionable Harry Potter

by Appliciousness



Category: HPMOR - Fandom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Crack Crossover, Gen, HPMOR Universe, Harry is so cute though, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, Insta-love or lust or whatever, Kinda wish Deadpool Harry was a thing, Nonsense, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-14 01:18:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13582956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Appliciousness/pseuds/Appliciousness
Summary: Somewhere in the multiverse, Harry Potter turned out differently than expected.





	HPMOR Crack: A Questionable Harry Potter

### Long ago, in a timeline far, far away...

* * *

“Wow, so magic is real, huh?” Harry said, folding his arms. “Is it okay if I try a few more experiments, Professor McGonagall? I just want to be absolutely sure. By the way, is there any reason why you chose a cat? I mean, I would go with an animal that could fly, at least. Though I suppose it would be handy to never have to worry about taking a bath again, since I can just lick myself. Heh.” Harry grinned. “Who _wouldn’t_ want that power, know what I mean?”

“I do apologize, Ma’am,” sighed Harry’s father. “We took away his TV and pulled him out of school, but he’s still like this.”

“Hi, I’m Ron,” said the boy, sticking out his hand. “Want to be friends?”

“Sure. Do you like Star Wars?”

“What’s that?”

Harry went on to explain the three movies, and told Ron exactly why Han Solo was the best character ever, before saying, “Except, I’m having trouble understanding why the Jedi don’t use guns. I mean the whole idea of light sabers is cool, just really stupid.”

“Uhh…what?”

Harry patiently tried to explain it, and then got annoyed when Ron still didn’t get it. "Okay, so I'm going to go...over there," said Harry. "If and when you figure it out, you're permitted to join me."

“So, you seem like a smart kid,” said Draco. “I’d like you to be my advisor, once we take over the world.”

“But...I don’t want to take over the world.” said Harry. He’d thought it would be fun to get to know a mini version of Darth Vader, but the boy kept going on about himself and it was boring. Also, apparently his father knew absolutely everyone, and he had to list their names off one…by…one.

“Are you sure?” said Draco, frowning. “I’ll reward you handsomely.”

“I don’t care about that,” said Harry, who already had several better plans for making money. “Besides, I’m not going to support tyranny, I have standards. Sorry, but I just think I should be honest.”

“Fair enough,” said Draco, shrugging. “So, what do you want to do?”

“Well, I was trying to figure out if it would be possible to get x-ray vision without giving myself cancer, but I think I’m going to need to do some more research first." Then he got distracted by the Quibbler, those articles were hilarious. "The list of experiments I’ve got planned is already pretty long, though, so the superpowers will have to wait.”

“What’s an experiment?” asked Draco.

“It helps you learn new things about the world, like things that aren’t necessarily in books yet.”

“Oh, well…that sounds like an awful lot of work that I would just make my minions do. Besides, I already know the important things, so why would I even bother?”

“I haven't even made it on the train yet, and I already hate wizards," sighed Harry.

###### 

“What are you doing?” said a girl, arriving in his train car.

Harry looked up. _Oh crap, she’s cute. Quick, say something not stupid._

“I’m trying to figure out which jelly beans are the best by arranging them in order from absolutely disgusting to deliciously flavorful.”

“Oh, wow, that sounds interesting,” said Hermione. “Can I do it with you?”

Harry instantly fell in love.

###### 

The Sorting Hat was placed on his head, while he grinned expectantly. He had a ton of questions for the ancient magical item, but as soon as the hat touched his head, it said, “Not again! Just go to Ravenclaw!”

###### 

Harry was eating breakfast when a Gryffindor boy came over to him. “Hello Harry. I was talking to Ron and he said you were a Star Wars fan. Well, I’m sorry to break this to you, but Star Trek is the superior franchise in pretty much every way.”

“Oh, _really_?” said Harry, setting down his fork. “What’s your name?”

“Dean Thomas.”

“Well, Dean.” Harry snapped his fingers, and his note cards appeared in his hands, thanks to a nifty little patch he’d installed into his Moke Pouch 5000. “I hope you cleared your schedule for the next 5 hours, because school is now in session.”

###### 

Harry didn’t realize until he got into Professor McGonagall’s class that his new robe already had a hole in it. It fit his aesthetic, though, since his socks were basically more holes than cloth. He figured he’d fix it later if he found a spell while exploring the library. Magic was so cool.

He also didn’t realize until he sat down that he was sitting _right behind Hermione._

He whispered her name, and she turned back and put a finger to her lips, pointing to the teacher.

After class, he approached her. “Hi there,” he said, making finger guns. “How are you liking Hogwarts so far?”

“It’s amazing!” said Hermione, beaming. “There’s so much to learn, and all my dorm mates have been so friendly. It’s like Ravenclaw is the big extended family I never had.”

“Actually, we’re not a family, just a group of people living together. I’m not your brother or anything, that would be weird, ha ha ha.” His voice was too loud for some reason.

She smiled. “Yeah, I know. By the way, I have a question about the homework for Professor Sprout. Did you do it yet?”

He scratched his head. The truth was, he hadn’t even looked at the assignment, and he probably wouldn’t until the night before it was due. It’s not that he didn’t care about his homework, but there were more important things at the moment, and he figured if it was meant for first years, he could probably knock it out in an hour.

“What’s your question?” he asked. He grabbed the textbook out of his pouch, hoping he wouldn’t look stupid.

“Well, it says it’s supposed to be a 10 inch long paper, but mine is 12 inches. Do you think Professor Sprout will mind?”

Harry was quiet for a moment, silently hating his brain even as it was snickering.

“I’d say…the longer the better.”

“Yes, I was thinking that too!” she cried.

_Oh, I’m so going to hell,_ thought Harry.

_Or,_ suggested his brain. _You could say we’re…going down. Heh heh heh._

###### 

“The problem with you,” said Professor Quirrell. “Is that you have no ambition.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Harry, peeved. His teacher had been acting weird all morning. “First of all, I’m eleven, I don’t need to have an ambition yet. And second of all, there’s way too much stuff to figure out about magic for me to decide what my ambition should actually be yet. For example, why do the paintings move? And why do the Hogwarts stairs keep rearranging themselves? And why do you keep falling asleep during class? Or for that matter, why do I get this pervasive sense of doom whenever you’re around? I think this is something we should discuss, like, today.”

"In due time we will, boy," said Professor Quirrell, folding his arms. “So, when you figure these things out, what will you do with all this knowledge?”

“Umm…invent stuff and die a happy man? I don’t know, I haven’t gotten there yet. Magically enhanced computer programming sounds like a prime untapped area of research, though.”

Professor Quirrell’s eyes narrowed. “I would have thought the idea would at least occur to you to use your knowledge to become immortal and take over the world.”

“Oh, not you too,” said Harry, rolling his eyes. “The world is too messed up for anyone to save and/or govern. Besides, I’d have more fun finishing a puzzle than running a country.”

“Puzzles and riddles are a good way to sharpen your intellect, but you should consider the important things an intelligent mind can accomplish.”

Professor Quirrell launched into a story about how Salazar Slytherin revolutionized the wizarding community by taking leadership, but Harry stopped him.

“Hold on, your story is wrong. Salazar’s hat was gold, not green. I read about it in a book yesterday.”

Quirrell was silent for a long moment. Then, through gritted teeth, “That is not even a _remotely_ important detail.”

Harry shrugged. He knew he was being pedantic, he just didn’t care. “It’s still not right. I usually verify all my information for accuracy before telling anyone, it avoids embarrassing situations.”

“I wish you had an off button,” muttered Professor Quirrell.

###### 

Harry was delighted to receive his time turner from McGonagall. It would come in quite useful. But when he discovered the invisibility cloak, his world turned upside down. He spent 15 minutes thinking, and then went straight to Dumbledore, the most knowledgeable person he knew.

“Headmaster, do you know who gave me this magic cloak of invisibility?” said Harry. “I have some questions for them about how to use it.”

“What do you want to know?” asked Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling.

“Well, first of all, is it waterproof?”

“It keeps the rain off, just like an umbrella. It’s great for adventuring, if you’re so inclined to use it for that.”

“Ok, good. On an unrelated note, do you know a spell to keep glasses from fogging up?”

Dumbledore stared at Harry, then sighed. “And this is the hero. We’re all doomed.”


End file.
